


Dear Connor Murphy

by sakura_freefall



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Angst, Appreciate Zoe 2k20, Canon-Compliant, Character Study, Coping, Emotional Baggage, Family, Gen, Healing, Hopeful Ending, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Letters, Mental Health Issues, Misunderstandings, Moving On, Siblings, Zoe Tries Her Best, Zoe-centric, first-person pov
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-14
Updated: 2020-10-14
Packaged: 2021-03-08 21:28:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,449
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27013531
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sakura_freefall/pseuds/sakura_freefall
Summary: Zoe writes letters to her brother, slowly untangling the mess of thoughts in her head.She'll be okay. They all will, eventually.
Relationships: Connor Murphy & Zoe Murphy
Comments: 6
Kudos: 14





	Dear Connor Murphy

_September 7, 2017:_

_Dear Connor Murphy,_

_The school guidance counselor told me to write you this letter. Said it would help. I don't know if I believe that. I don't need help. I don't need your help, or the guidance counselor's help, or my parents' help, or even your best friend Evan's help. ~~Why should I even care about you?~~_

_Okay, the guidance counselor won't like that. My bad._

_I don't know what else to say. I have jazz band later tonight, so I want to get this over with. You should've came sometime._

_Look at me, talking to you like I think you can hear me. ~~I'm crazy. You're crazy. We're all crazy.~~_

_The guidance counselor probably won't like that either. Oops._

_Sincerely,_

_Zoe Murphy_

_  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~_

_September 10, 2017:_

_Dear Connor Murphy,_

_Apparantly that wasn't a once-off deal. I'm supposed to keep writing these._

_Your best friend, Evan, talks to me sometimes. He's really nice, and he understands me more than you ever did. Screw the guidance counselor, I can say what I want._

_What did you see in him? Was he nice to you? Understanding? Understandable?_

_Why didn't you just shove him aside the way you did everyone else, including me?_

_You're an engima. I'll never understand you._

_Sincerely,_

_Zoe Murphy_

_~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~_

_September 23, 2017:_

_Dear Connor Murphy,_

_Evan's told me some interesting things. He says that you talked about me? Is that true? It must be, Evan's many things but not a liar._

_He kissed me too, but that isn't important. I don't feel that way about him. I don't want to hurt him, though. We're too alike, me and him. Too fragile to do anything but fall apart. I wonder how he really broke his arm. I have some suspicions... but I still wonder._

_Anyways, he told me you really did love me, you just didn't know how to tell me. He said you liked when I dyed my hair, and how I drew stars on my jeans when I was bored. He said you liked how I smiled, and how I danced._

_Why didn't you tell me?_

_Sincerely, your sister,_

_Zoe_

_~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~_

_October 3, 2017:_

_Dear Connor Murphy,_

_Guess what, you're famous!_

_Evan made a video about you for something my friend Alana calls the Connor Project. I know you'd hate that name, but it's too late to change it now. It has thousands of views and likes. Congratulations, you made your mark._

_Now everyone sees me as the dead kid's younger sister. Wherever I go. I don't know how to feel about that either._

_Evan once told me that he sometimes feels like nobody will ever see him for who he is. I feel that way too._

_Can I ever just be Zoe? Zoe the guitar player, Zoe the girl who loves astronomy, Zoe who's nice and wants to help? I don't want to only be Connor's little sister Zoe, or the good Murphy, or even "that poor girl" which is the worst one._

_Congratulations on becoming an internet star. I hope you're happy. Really._

_Sincerely yours,_

_Zoe_

_~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~_

_October 28, 2017:_

_Dear Connor Murphy,_

_I haven't written in a while, I've been busy. It's almost Halloween. You always loved Halloween._

_I don't think I'm going to go out this year. I'm getting too old for it, anyways. Plus, I never really liked candy anyways._

_My parents are fighting again. About you. Everything comes back to you, doesn't it? You're always here. They yell at each other. Something about a baseball glove. I don't really listen, I just put my headphones on and tune out the world._

_Is that what you wanted? To tune out the world forever?_

_The pumpkin spice lattes are back, I just thought I'd let you know. I'll have an extra one for you, all right?_

_Sincerely,_

_Your little sister_

_~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~_

_December 13, 2017:_

_Dear Connor Murphy,_

_I have nothing to say. Everything's fallen apart. Words fail._

_This'll probably be the last letter I write. I want to forget you._

_It was a lie. The entire time. Evan was lying. You never did say those things._

_You were just a monster the whole time._

_Sincerely,_

_Z. Murphy_

_~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~_

_January 1, 2018:_

_Dear Connor Murphy,_

_Well, I lied. Sue me. It's a new year._

_My first year without a big brother._

_Evan gave us some half-assed apology, and then a few days later, a real one._

_I don't think I'm ready to forgive him just yet. I don't know if I'll ever be able to. Christmas sucked. That's all I'm saying. Not because you were gone, but because you were so annoyingly perpetually there._

_That came out all wrong, didn't it? I'm starting to turn into you. How ironic._

_Sincerely,_

_Z.M._

_~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~_

_February 15, 2018:_

_Dear Connor Murphy,_

_I haven't seen much of Evan. Not that I want to._

_They renamed the apple orchard after you. You're probably sick of people naming things after you. I don't blame you._

_I guess when all's said and done, you're still my brother. And you don't have to like me, and I don't have to like you, but we're stuck being bonded, so I guess we do our best. We all do the best we can. Even Evan just wanted to help._

_Well, except maybe Jared Kleinman. He just likes being a jerk._

_Sincerely,_

_Zoe_

_~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~_

_March 4, 2018:_

_Dear Connor Murphy,_

_The snow is starting to melt. It'll probably snow again, but whatever. I had another jazz band concert yesterday. I kept looking for you, even though of course you weren't there. Isn't that something? I'm writing a song, or at least something vaguely resembling one._

_It's for you. I'm not going to name it after you, though. Enough people have done that. This'll be our little secret, okay?_

_By that, obviously, I mean it's just mine._

_Sincerely,_

_Your sister, Zoe_

_~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~_

_April 11, 2018:_

_Dear Connor Murphy,_

_I saw Evan today. At the apple orchard. We said hi. Exchanged phone numbers._

_I think you'd have liked him. I really do._

_Well, anyways._

_Sincerely,_

_Zoe_

_~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~_

_June 5, 2018:_

_Dear Connor Murphy,_

_You should've graduated today. Alana and Jared and Evan all did. Alana was valedictorian. It'll be my turn next year._

_Oh, yeah, Mom and Dad split up. I can't speak for Dad, but Mom seems a little happier. I think it was the right choice._

_Regards (gee, I sound formal, don't I?),_

_Zoe._

_~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~_

_September 2, 2018:_

_Dear Connor Murphy,_

_It's been a year now. Just thought I'd... write you and tell you. We're learning to move on, I guess, but I don't want to forget you anymore._

_School starts tomorrow. Senior year. Hopefully it'll be better than last year._

_I should tell you that this will probably be my last letter. For real this time. I'd just like to say that I love you, and I miss you sometimes, and sometimes I don't miss you, but I don't hate you either. Time passes. Flowers grow and die and grow again. You change from being a ghost to a memory to a breath of fresh air. The sun comes up and the world keeps turning, turning, for better or for worse._

_Goodbye, Connor, and whoever you are, whether you're who I knew or not, I wish you all the best._

_Sincerely,_

~~_Zoe Murphy_ ~~

_(oops... I dropped that name when dad left)_

~~_Zoe Morse_ ~~

_(nah. seems too weird. still getting used to it.)_

~~_Zoe_ ~~

_(too incomplete.)_

_Me._

_~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~_

_January 9, 2020_

_Dear Connor Murphy,_

_What to say to you? It's been almost two years since I last wrote. Just thought I'd do it again for old times sake and all that._

_I'm going to college now, majoring in astrophysics. Stars. Space. All that stuff. I think I'm going to go for a masters' degree. Maybe work for NASA. Be the first person on Mars. Okay, probably not the last one, but who knows?_

_Evan's taking an environmental sciences track. He's going to be a park ranger. Alana's at MIT. Studying some sort of pretentious thing. I don't know. We keep in touch. Jared, last I heard, designed some video game that he's getting big bucks off of._

_Mom's doing fine. I haven't heard from Dad in years. I don't really mind, to be honest. Mom has a cat now, though. (Thankfully not named after you). It's a brown kitten with stripes, named Oakley. Cute name. Evan would approve._

_Life's going all right. I met some cool people. Joined some clubs. Played guitar at open mic night at the cafe. It's not better or worse, just... different. I think you'd've liked it. Who knows? I, for one, cannot wait to see what the future holds._

_Until we meet again._

_Sincerely,_

_Your sister, Zoe._


End file.
